Tuesday, 17 May 2011

Who will I be?

Who will I be?

Good question.
I have had a tough few weeks.Someone who I trusted betrayed me. My first reaction was rage. No other word fits. I was so angry for about 20 hours . And then depression. I was so sad so often for the first 10 days I felt I could not cope. My first thoughts were to totally change who I am . No more trust .No more compassion. Nobody gets in again. Even started thinking about discarding friends. And maybe even family.

But..I can't be that person. I can't change my nature.I am who I am .

So who am I?
I trust. I love with everything I have.I give.I am Passionate. I believe in People. I believe in the good in people. I have compassion. I like to look after people .

I always will . I can't change any of that and wouldn't if I could.

Will I change anything? Yes

I realized one area I could change was communication. I can communicate effectively but it's obvious to me  I don't always say everything I should in order to avoid conflict. I did not say some things I should have during the relationship . I did the same thing with my Marriage and with the two relationships I've had since then. Holding back is a defense I think. When I'm confronted I sometimes want to run. I think I'm not confronting people as I don't want them to run.  In this case she not only ran but practically hopped on a rocket getting away. So not saying the thing I was wanting to say but was too scared to say caused me great pain . Would she have gone anyway if i had said what I wanted too? Yes I think so I think so . Possibly less painfully for me but she would have gone. Her path lies elsewhere.

So I've already started on communicating differently and I'm already noticing a change. A positive one . I'm looking forward to seeing how things change over time.
So how about you? Yes you . I'm writing this for you .As well as  for me.

Who will you be? I hope you'll be the woman who wanted to be loved for who she is and respected as a person. And the caring giving person I thought you were. I admit to being confused a bit as you certainly didn't show much of that towards me over that last few weeks . I did feel you cared at one point so I hope that's who you really are and that you continue to care about other people.

I said it once I'll say it again .

I forgive you.

It still hurts especially when I wake up at 4am and realize I'm alone. You left a big hole.

But it's a little less all the time and this to shall pass.

I have chosen to  remember the good. We had about  3 months of (for me anyway) very happy times . I felt loved. Not everyone  will get that in their entire lives so thank you.

At one point I thought our souls touched. I can describe it no better than that. For that I am grateful beyond words. Again not everyone ever feels that I think.

So onward.

This is  my good bye to you I guess. I still love you. I always will. I hope you find what you need on your journey through life.  You do deserve to be happy despite what I think you believe.


Mahal Kita


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