Monday, 30 May 2011


A beautiful and (Obviously ) intelligent women told me Saturday that this blog was articulate. And that she could clearly see my passion and emotions.

I am inordinately pleased by that.  :)

Here's a definition.I like #4

ar·tic·u·late   /adj., n. ɑrˈtɪkyəlɪt; v. ɑrˈtɪkyəˌleɪt/ Show Spelled

[adj., n. ahr-tik-yuh-lit; v. ahr-tik-yuh-leyt]

adjective, verb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing, noun


1. uttered clearly in distinct syllables.

2. capable of speech; not speechless.

3. using language easily and fluently; having facility with words: an articulate speaker.

4. expressed, formulated, or presented with clarity and effectiveness: an articulate thought.

Sunday, 29 May 2011


Alone. That's right I'm alone. So what does that mean?
It Means I don't have a Girlfriend ,Significant other ,Wife or Partner.
Until this morning it was bothering me.
Quite a bit.
I joined a couple of online dating sites looking for someone to fill the empty spot in my life.
Boy that's a weird thing. I'll post on that another time.
And then (for about the 100th time) a couple of very good friends said something that finally Clicked.
I can't be with someone until I can be with myself.

It's taken a long time for me to get that. A LONG time.( Sorry People)
I've spent much ti,me and energy equating alone with Lonely. I think i finally realized I don't have to do that.

So . I'm going to delete those online accounts. I'm going hang with friends. I'm going to accept that I'm alone so I can enjoy the time I have and take care of some if those things I have not.

Like Me. 

One thing I'll be doing is really determining what a relationship would look like for me. And what my partner would look like. No Not Boob size. Who she would be . Looks are not that important. (Ok she has to have all her teeth or a bridge for ones knocked out in Hockey I find the missing teeth thing disturbing) .

Maybe that's it. I'll be alone forever. Maybe not. Life will continue to suprise me no doubt. Some good some bad. But it wil be interesting.

And no longer Lonley.

Thursday, 26 May 2011


New posts in May 2011. W00T

Oh wait 15 :)


Got caught in the rain last night.

Normally no fan LOL

Last night after my usual trepidation and worry I suddenly got it. It just stopped being a worry.

Maybe because I was following someone slow I was able to relax and just build up to speed.

On the way home I was on the 401 going faster than I can remember in the rain. It was a bit of magic. I felt so alive.

And wet. But Alive.

It was an affirmation of life .

An affirmation of me.

After the emotional roller coaster i put myself through the last month or so It was so good to feel that connection to my passion again.

I plan on connecting again. Maybe in safer conditions . Or Not.

Wednesday, 25 May 2011


Today I'm dropping off the last few things that I have of Cristy's. Nothing very important but one item is a gift I gave her that I was going to keep. That felt wrong after the anger subsided and even more so after I forgave her. I suspect it means little to her but it meant a lot for me when I gave it to her.

One thing I have is a T-Shirt she just got that has a recycling symbol and a cation that reads "I only throw out boys" Prophetic I guess. I should have paid more attention.

The rest is just little things I missed cleaning out cupboards and drawers . She doesn't need the stuff but I don't need to be reminded all the time.

The memories I want are all in my head now. I'll just keep them.

So a little more closure. Not sure that I have all  need but am not likely to get any more . I hoped for a face to face meeting or at least a phone call but she does not have the nerve for either I guess.

So I'll take what I can get and do my best to move on.

"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. "

-- Author Unknown

Update: I saw her last night at a ride. It was very hard for about 10 minutes. And watching them laughing together was like rubbing my guts with broken glass the first time.

But then? I just gave that up. They have their path I have mine. I can't change what happened and I have to move on. Stil miss her but I have much more closure today than yesterday and can go where I want when I want without worrying about running into her.

Closure is good. I could not have gotten it without forgivness. Something to think about maybe?


Tuesday, 24 May 2011


I have none. Realized that this morning.

Oh things could have gone better for sure . In lots of places in my life. But they could have been worse.

I've loved 5 women in my life. They loved me back to one degree or another. I expect I'll love another at some point.

Not everybody has that in there life.

EDIT: I've loved far  more than 5 . I mean I've been in love with 5 Woman in my life. You know  Hard core "I wish i could spend every minute of everyday with you " Love.

I have so many Women i love in my life right now it's not funny. And they love me back.

I am one lucky Guy.

Friday, 20 May 2011

Sean Mccan and Jeremy Fisher

Sean Mccan and Jeremy Fisher at the Dakota. AWESOME.

Needed that! Thanks Annie you Rock!

Wednesday, 18 May 2011


Still learning to Play Guitar .I bought myself a Gibson Les Paul Studio Last fall . I LOVE it.

I HATE my amp though.

Looking for a good used Tube amp. Peavey Valve King 112 would be cool. 

Still mostly learning on my own.

Don't practice enough. Going to have to Fix that.

Tuesday, 17 May 2011


Friday the thirteenth in Port Dover .

Had NO interest in going this year but a good friend wanted a riding companion so I went.

It was not a classic ride. 407 to Burlington and 403/6 the rest of the way.

But it was great ride. My MP3 player was serving up great tunes all the way there, it was sunny and warm and the highway was empty most of the way. My friend was riding very well with me and I never had to worry about where she was. The OPP were out in force but we had no problems .

Somewhere in Oakville I had a bit of an Epiphany . I was looking at a Field of yellow flowers and it dawned on me that i have a great life. Yes people I love have cancer and I was just dumped and it hurts. But I had 3 three great months with a great woman already this year and I've had lots of great moments over the last two years with a couple of others. Some people never get that . I've felt as though I've touched some souls. And definitely felt loved . Nothing in life can compare and I am so lucky to have had that. After a bleak period I am looking forward to more relationship adventures . It may turn out as bad but I think I can handle it now knowing that the pain is worth the connection. And it is.

As for Dover? Same old thing .  Cruiser after Cruiser after Cruiser with a scattering of scooters and real motorcycles . :) Sportbikes in other words!

I bought a t-shirt ( NO Skulls,No Knives,No Choppers It has a spark plug. Ftting for a guy with the Nickname Tinker) I saw  a few friends and we left at lunch time getting home before the rain.

A very good day .

Who will I be?

Who will I be?

Good question.
I have had a tough few weeks.Someone who I trusted betrayed me. My first reaction was rage. No other word fits. I was so angry for about 20 hours . And then depression. I was so sad so often for the first 10 days I felt I could not cope. My first thoughts were to totally change who I am . No more trust .No more compassion. Nobody gets in again. Even started thinking about discarding friends. And maybe even family.

But..I can't be that person. I can't change my nature.I am who I am .

So who am I?
I trust. I love with everything I have.I give.I am Passionate. I believe in People. I believe in the good in people. I have compassion. I like to look after people .

I always will . I can't change any of that and wouldn't if I could.

Will I change anything? Yes

I realized one area I could change was communication. I can communicate effectively but it's obvious to me  I don't always say everything I should in order to avoid conflict. I did not say some things I should have during the relationship . I did the same thing with my Marriage and with the two relationships I've had since then. Holding back is a defense I think. When I'm confronted I sometimes want to run. I think I'm not confronting people as I don't want them to run.  In this case she not only ran but practically hopped on a rocket getting away. So not saying the thing I was wanting to say but was too scared to say caused me great pain . Would she have gone anyway if i had said what I wanted too? Yes I think so I think so . Possibly less painfully for me but she would have gone. Her path lies elsewhere.

So I've already started on communicating differently and I'm already noticing a change. A positive one . I'm looking forward to seeing how things change over time.
So how about you? Yes you . I'm writing this for you .As well as  for me.

Who will you be? I hope you'll be the woman who wanted to be loved for who she is and respected as a person. And the caring giving person I thought you were. I admit to being confused a bit as you certainly didn't show much of that towards me over that last few weeks . I did feel you cared at one point so I hope that's who you really are and that you continue to care about other people.

I said it once I'll say it again .

I forgive you.

It still hurts especially when I wake up at 4am and realize I'm alone. You left a big hole.

But it's a little less all the time and this to shall pass.

I have chosen to  remember the good. We had about  3 months of (for me anyway) very happy times . I felt loved. Not everyone  will get that in their entire lives so thank you.

At one point I thought our souls touched. I can describe it no better than that. For that I am grateful beyond words. Again not everyone ever feels that I think.

So onward.

This is  my good bye to you I guess. I still love you. I always will. I hope you find what you need on your journey through life.  You do deserve to be happy despite what I think you believe.


Mahal Kita


Tuesday, 10 May 2011

Paul Simon

This video really moved me. I saw Paul Simon Friday at Massey hall  and thought he was awesome. Now i think he's 10x awesome.


I changed the Steering head bearings on the Bandit. Boy they must have been in bad shape. Steering  is way better and the bike feels lighter . Going to be a real pleasure to ride the twistys! My confidence is up while riding.

I also got a GIVI top box . Should have done so long ago. Really convenient and it's so nice to be able to lock things up!




by: William Blake (1757-1827)
      EVER seek to tell thy love,
      Love that never told can be;
      For the gentle wind doth move
      Silently, invisibly.
      I told my love, I told my love,
      I told her all my heart,
      Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.
      Ah! she did depart!
      Soon after she was gone from me,
      A traveller came by,
      Silently, invisibly:
      He took her with a sigh.


I have it. Diagnosed by a psychologist. Same on one who Diagnosed my ADHD.

I'm on medication for it. It was working nicly. Then...

I don't even know how to describe what happened .

I wake up early in the morning and I can't stop thinking about her and the betrayal.

And I want her back and I don't and I hate myself for being weak.

I have never had more self doubt than I have today. 

Monday, 9 May 2011

Two Weeks

Two weeks since I was kicked in the guts.
Healing nicly but I have moments.
Saw a Picture of her on Facebook.
We have many mutual faceboook friends should I cut them all off?
Or just stay off of facebook for a while.?

May need to one or the other for a bit anyway
Or move to vancouver?

Tuesday, 3 May 2011


Wow Been a weird combo of great and horrible the last 6 months.
Horrible -Got diagnosed as clinically depressed and ADD
Great -Have awesome friends who can be counted on.
Horrible- My Brothers Lung Cancer came back. And it's worse.
Great -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .
Horrible -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .Then dumped me after spending 3 months living with me by announcing her engagement to her ex boyfriend on the internet. Without mentioning it to me first. And without actually moving out. I had to pack her crap myself. Nice.
Great-Got some treatment for the depression and ADD and it's working ! OK the horrible above is challenging the anti-depressants but I think I'll be on an even keel sooner thanks to them.
Horrible- A wonderful friends daughter has been Diagnosed with melanoma .They found it after removal of a Brain Tumour.  Radiation treatments and a lot of bad days to follow.
Great- Still have those awesome friends. Boy that makes a difference.


I was recently diagnosed with Adult ADD . Not a surprise. I can't focus on anything. My whole life is a series of lurches from one thing to another. I have NEVER had a goal in my life. Or rather any goal I did have was fleeting at best. Here today gone tomorrow. Here this minute gone..Hey Look at the shiny thing!!!!!!!!

I should be happy I finally have a clue about why I'm the way i am but I've been depressed about this for the last two weeks.

Maybe its the lack of treatment I've known this for about 6 weeks . So far a tiny amount of counseling and indications I'll be going on VyVanse  . But other wise nothing. I want the fog I'm in to go away.

I want to repair the damage I've done to every relationship I've ever had.I won't of course. But the possibility is intriguing . My marriage was probably the worst relationship of my life. And as much as I spout the politically correct version that it took two to tango and we were both responsible for its failure  deep inside I've blamed her . Well not so much now. I must have driven her crazy. :(