I've been in a convesation about my next relationship. (Don't worry none too soon)
I was talking to a freind about Who or what kind of person I would be with.
She used the word Genuine.. Good word . Very good word.
I am lucky enough to have a few close friends that are genuine.
So i think I knowe what i'm talking about.
Hope so anyway. :)
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Showing posts with label love. Show all posts
Thursday, 13 October 2011
Sunday, 29 May 2011
Alone.
Alone. That's right I'm alone. So what does that mean?
It Means I don't have a Girlfriend ,Significant other ,Wife or Partner.
Until this morning it was bothering me.
Quite a bit.
I joined a couple of online dating sites looking for someone to fill the empty spot in my life.
Boy that's a weird thing. I'll post on that another time.
And then (for about the 100th time) a couple of very good friends said something that finally Clicked.
I can't be with someone until I can be with myself.
It's taken a long time for me to get that. A LONG time.( Sorry People)
I've spent much ti,me and energy equating alone with Lonely. I think i finally realized I don't have to do that.
So . I'm going to delete those online accounts. I'm going hang with friends. I'm going to accept that I'm alone so I can enjoy the time I have and take care of some if those things I have not.
Like Me.
One thing I'll be doing is really determining what a relationship would look like for me. And what my partner would look like. No Not Boob size. Who she would be . Looks are not that important. (Ok she has to have all her teeth or a bridge for ones knocked out in Hockey I find the missing teeth thing disturbing) .
Maybe that's it. I'll be alone forever. Maybe not. Life will continue to suprise me no doubt. Some good some bad. But it wil be interesting.
And no longer Lonley.
It Means I don't have a Girlfriend ,Significant other ,Wife or Partner.
Until this morning it was bothering me.
Quite a bit.
I joined a couple of online dating sites looking for someone to fill the empty spot in my life.
Boy that's a weird thing. I'll post on that another time.
And then (for about the 100th time) a couple of very good friends said something that finally Clicked.
I can't be with someone until I can be with myself.
It's taken a long time for me to get that. A LONG time.( Sorry People)
I've spent much ti,me and energy equating alone with Lonely. I think i finally realized I don't have to do that.
So . I'm going to delete those online accounts. I'm going hang with friends. I'm going to accept that I'm alone so I can enjoy the time I have and take care of some if those things I have not.
Like Me.
One thing I'll be doing is really determining what a relationship would look like for me. And what my partner would look like. No Not Boob size. Who she would be . Looks are not that important. (Ok she has to have all her teeth or a bridge for ones knocked out in Hockey I find the missing teeth thing disturbing) .
Maybe that's it. I'll be alone forever. Maybe not. Life will continue to suprise me no doubt. Some good some bad. But it wil be interesting.
And no longer Lonley.
Wednesday, 25 May 2011
Closure
Today I'm dropping off the last few things that I have of Cristy's. Nothing very important but one item is a gift I gave her that I was going to keep. That felt wrong after the anger subsided and even more so after I forgave her. I suspect it means little to her but it meant a lot for me when I gave it to her.
One thing I have is a T-Shirt she just got that has a recycling symbol and a cation that reads "I only throw out boys" Prophetic I guess. I should have paid more attention.
The rest is just little things I missed cleaning out cupboards and drawers . She doesn't need the stuff but I don't need to be reminded all the time.
The memories I want are all in my head now. I'll just keep them.
So a little more closure. Not sure that I have all need but am not likely to get any more . I hoped for a face to face meeting or at least a phone call but she does not have the nerve for either I guess.
So I'll take what I can get and do my best to move on.
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. "
-- Author Unknown
Update: I saw her last night at a ride. It was very hard for about 10 minutes. And watching them laughing together was like rubbing my guts with broken glass the first time.
But then? I just gave that up. They have their path I have mine. I can't change what happened and I have to move on. Stil miss her but I have much more closure today than yesterday and can go where I want when I want without worrying about running into her.
Closure is good. I could not have gotten it without forgivness. Something to think about maybe?
.
One thing I have is a T-Shirt she just got that has a recycling symbol and a cation that reads "I only throw out boys" Prophetic I guess. I should have paid more attention.
The rest is just little things I missed cleaning out cupboards and drawers . She doesn't need the stuff but I don't need to be reminded all the time.
The memories I want are all in my head now. I'll just keep them.
So a little more closure. Not sure that I have all need but am not likely to get any more . I hoped for a face to face meeting or at least a phone call but she does not have the nerve for either I guess.
So I'll take what I can get and do my best to move on.
"There are things that we don't want to happen but have to accept, things we don't want to know but have to learn, and people we can't live without but have to let go. "
-- Author Unknown
Update: I saw her last night at a ride. It was very hard for about 10 minutes. And watching them laughing together was like rubbing my guts with broken glass the first time.
But then? I just gave that up. They have their path I have mine. I can't change what happened and I have to move on. Stil miss her but I have much more closure today than yesterday and can go where I want when I want without worrying about running into her.
Closure is good. I could not have gotten it without forgivness. Something to think about maybe?
.
Tuesday, 24 May 2011
Regrets
I have none. Realized that this morning.
Oh things could have gone better for sure . In lots of places in my life. But they could have been worse.
I've loved 5 women in my life. They loved me back to one degree or another. I expect I'll love another at some point.
Not everybody has that in there life.
EDIT: I've loved far more than 5 . I mean I've been in love with 5 Woman in my life. You know Hard core "I wish i could spend every minute of everyday with you " Love.
I have so many Women i love in my life right now it's not funny. And they love me back.
I am one lucky Guy.
Oh things could have gone better for sure . In lots of places in my life. But they could have been worse.
I've loved 5 women in my life. They loved me back to one degree or another. I expect I'll love another at some point.
Not everybody has that in there life.
EDIT: I've loved far more than 5 . I mean I've been in love with 5 Woman in my life. You know Hard core "I wish i could spend every minute of everyday with you " Love.
I have so many Women i love in my life right now it's not funny. And they love me back.
I am one lucky Guy.
Tuesday, 17 May 2011
PD13
Friday the thirteenth in Port Dover .
Had NO interest in going this year but a good friend wanted a riding companion so I went.
It was not a classic ride. 407 to Burlington and 403/6 the rest of the way.
But it was great ride. My MP3 player was serving up great tunes all the way there, it was sunny and warm and the highway was empty most of the way. My friend was riding very well with me and I never had to worry about where she was. The OPP were out in force but we had no problems .
Somewhere in Oakville I had a bit of an Epiphany . I was looking at a Field of yellow flowers and it dawned on me that i have a great life. Yes people I love have cancer and I was just dumped and it hurts. But I had 3 three great months with a great woman already this year and I've had lots of great moments over the last two years with a couple of others. Some people never get that . I've felt as though I've touched some souls. And definitely felt loved . Nothing in life can compare and I am so lucky to have had that. After a bleak period I am looking forward to more relationship adventures . It may turn out as bad but I think I can handle it now knowing that the pain is worth the connection. And it is.
As for Dover? Same old thing . Cruiser after Cruiser after Cruiser with a scattering of scooters and real motorcycles . :) Sportbikes in other words!
I bought a t-shirt ( NO Skulls,No Knives,No Choppers It has a spark plug. Ftting for a guy with the Nickname Tinker) I saw a few friends and we left at lunch time getting home before the rain.
A very good day .
Had NO interest in going this year but a good friend wanted a riding companion so I went.
It was not a classic ride. 407 to Burlington and 403/6 the rest of the way.
But it was great ride. My MP3 player was serving up great tunes all the way there, it was sunny and warm and the highway was empty most of the way. My friend was riding very well with me and I never had to worry about where she was. The OPP were out in force but we had no problems .
Somewhere in Oakville I had a bit of an Epiphany . I was looking at a Field of yellow flowers and it dawned on me that i have a great life. Yes people I love have cancer and I was just dumped and it hurts. But I had 3 three great months with a great woman already this year and I've had lots of great moments over the last two years with a couple of others. Some people never get that . I've felt as though I've touched some souls. And definitely felt loved . Nothing in life can compare and I am so lucky to have had that. After a bleak period I am looking forward to more relationship adventures . It may turn out as bad but I think I can handle it now knowing that the pain is worth the connection. And it is.
As for Dover? Same old thing . Cruiser after Cruiser after Cruiser with a scattering of scooters and real motorcycles . :) Sportbikes in other words!
I bought a t-shirt ( NO Skulls,No Knives,No Choppers It has a spark plug. Ftting for a guy with the Nickname Tinker) I saw a few friends and we left at lunch time getting home before the rain.
A very good day .
Who will I be?
Who will I be?
Good question.
I have had a tough few weeks.Someone who I trusted betrayed me. My first reaction was rage. No other word fits. I was so angry for about 20 hours . And then depression. I was so sad so often for the first 10 days I felt I could not cope. My first thoughts were to totally change who I am . No more trust .No more compassion. Nobody gets in again. Even started thinking about discarding friends. And maybe even family.
But..I can't be that person. I can't change my nature.I am who I am .
So who am I?
I trust. I love with everything I have.I give.I am Passionate. I believe in People. I believe in the good in people. I have compassion. I like to look after people .
I always will . I can't change any of that and wouldn't if I could.
Will I change anything? Yes
I realized one area I could change was communication. I can communicate effectively but it's obvious to me I don't always say everything I should in order to avoid conflict. I did not say some things I should have during the relationship . I did the same thing with my Marriage and with the two relationships I've had since then. Holding back is a defense I think. When I'm confronted I sometimes want to run. I think I'm not confronting people as I don't want them to run. In this case she not only ran but practically hopped on a rocket getting away. So not saying the thing I was wanting to say but was too scared to say caused me great pain . Would she have gone anyway if i had said what I wanted too? Yes I think so I think so . Possibly less painfully for me but she would have gone. Her path lies elsewhere.
So I've already started on communicating differently and I'm already noticing a change. A positive one . I'm looking forward to seeing how things change over time.
So how about you? Yes you . I'm writing this for you .As well as for me.
Who will you be? I hope you'll be the woman who wanted to be loved for who she is and respected as a person. And the caring giving person I thought you were. I admit to being confused a bit as you certainly didn't show much of that towards me over that last few weeks . I did feel you cared at one point so I hope that's who you really are and that you continue to care about other people.
However,
I said it once I'll say it again .
I forgive you.
It still hurts especially when I wake up at 4am and realize I'm alone. You left a big hole.
But it's a little less all the time and this to shall pass.
I have chosen to remember the good. We had about 3 months of (for me anyway) very happy times . I felt loved. Not everyone will get that in their entire lives so thank you.
At one point I thought our souls touched. I can describe it no better than that. For that I am grateful beyond words. Again not everyone ever feels that I think.
So onward.
This is my good bye to you I guess. I still love you. I always will. I hope you find what you need on your journey through life. You do deserve to be happy despite what I think you believe.
Paalam
Mahal Kita
James
Good question.
I have had a tough few weeks.Someone who I trusted betrayed me. My first reaction was rage. No other word fits. I was so angry for about 20 hours . And then depression. I was so sad so often for the first 10 days I felt I could not cope. My first thoughts were to totally change who I am . No more trust .No more compassion. Nobody gets in again. Even started thinking about discarding friends. And maybe even family.
But..I can't be that person. I can't change my nature.I am who I am .
So who am I?
I trust. I love with everything I have.I give.I am Passionate. I believe in People. I believe in the good in people. I have compassion. I like to look after people .
I always will . I can't change any of that and wouldn't if I could.
Will I change anything? Yes
I realized one area I could change was communication. I can communicate effectively but it's obvious to me I don't always say everything I should in order to avoid conflict. I did not say some things I should have during the relationship . I did the same thing with my Marriage and with the two relationships I've had since then. Holding back is a defense I think. When I'm confronted I sometimes want to run. I think I'm not confronting people as I don't want them to run. In this case she not only ran but practically hopped on a rocket getting away. So not saying the thing I was wanting to say but was too scared to say caused me great pain . Would she have gone anyway if i had said what I wanted too? Yes I think so I think so . Possibly less painfully for me but she would have gone. Her path lies elsewhere.
So I've already started on communicating differently and I'm already noticing a change. A positive one . I'm looking forward to seeing how things change over time.
So how about you? Yes you . I'm writing this for you .As well as for me.
Who will you be? I hope you'll be the woman who wanted to be loved for who she is and respected as a person. And the caring giving person I thought you were. I admit to being confused a bit as you certainly didn't show much of that towards me over that last few weeks . I did feel you cared at one point so I hope that's who you really are and that you continue to care about other people.
However,
I said it once I'll say it again .
I forgive you.
It still hurts especially when I wake up at 4am and realize I'm alone. You left a big hole.
But it's a little less all the time and this to shall pass.
I have chosen to remember the good. We had about 3 months of (for me anyway) very happy times . I felt loved. Not everyone will get that in their entire lives so thank you.
At one point I thought our souls touched. I can describe it no better than that. For that I am grateful beyond words. Again not everyone ever feels that I think.
So onward.
This is my good bye to you I guess. I still love you. I always will. I hope you find what you need on your journey through life. You do deserve to be happy despite what I think you believe.
Paalam
Mahal Kita
James
Tuesday, 10 May 2011
LOVE'S SECRET
LOVE'S SECRET
by: William Blake (1757-1827)
by: William Blake (1757-1827)
EVER seek to tell thy love, - Love that never told can be;
- For the gentle wind doth move
- Silently, invisibly.
- I told my love, I told my love,
- I told her all my heart,
- Trembling, cold, in ghastly fears.
- Ah! she did depart!
- Soon after she was gone from me,
- A traveller came by,
- Silently, invisibly:
- He took her with a sigh.
Depression.
I have it. Diagnosed by a psychologist. Same on one who Diagnosed my ADHD.
I'm on medication for it. It was working nicly. Then...
I don't even know how to describe what happened .
I wake up early in the morning and I can't stop thinking about her and the betrayal.
And I want her back and I don't and I hate myself for being weak.
I have never had more self doubt than I have today.
I'm on medication for it. It was working nicly. Then...
I don't even know how to describe what happened .
I wake up early in the morning and I can't stop thinking about her and the betrayal.
And I want her back and I don't and I hate myself for being weak.
I have never had more self doubt than I have today.
Monday, 9 May 2011
Two Weeks
Two weeks since I was kicked in the guts.
Healing nicly but I have moments.
Saw a Picture of her on Facebook.
We have many mutual faceboook friends should I cut them all off?
Or just stay off of facebook for a while.?
May need to one or the other for a bit anyway
Or move to vancouver?
Healing nicly but I have moments.
Saw a Picture of her on Facebook.
We have many mutual faceboook friends should I cut them all off?
Or just stay off of facebook for a while.?
May need to one or the other for a bit anyway
Or move to vancouver?
Tuesday, 3 May 2011
Life
Wow Been a weird combo of great and horrible the last 6 months.
Horrible -Got diagnosed as clinically depressed and ADD
Great -Have awesome friends who can be counted on.
Horrible- My Brothers Lung Cancer came back. And it's worse.
Great -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .
Horrible -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .Then dumped me after spending 3 months living with me by announcing her engagement to her ex boyfriend on the internet. Without mentioning it to me first. And without actually moving out. I had to pack her crap myself. Nice.
Great-Got some treatment for the depression and ADD and it's working ! OK the horrible above is challenging the anti-depressants but I think I'll be on an even keel sooner thanks to them.
Horrible- A wonderful friends daughter has been Diagnosed with melanoma .They found it after removal of a Brain Tumour. Radiation treatments and a lot of bad days to follow.
Great- Still have those awesome friends. Boy that makes a difference.
Horrible -Got diagnosed as clinically depressed and ADD
Great -Have awesome friends who can be counted on.
Horrible- My Brothers Lung Cancer came back. And it's worse.
Great -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .
Horrible -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .Then dumped me after spending 3 months living with me by announcing her engagement to her ex boyfriend on the internet. Without mentioning it to me first. And without actually moving out. I had to pack her crap myself. Nice.
Great-Got some treatment for the depression and ADD and it's working ! OK the horrible above is challenging the anti-depressants but I think I'll be on an even keel sooner thanks to them.
Horrible- A wonderful friends daughter has been Diagnosed with melanoma .They found it after removal of a Brain Tumour. Radiation treatments and a lot of bad days to follow.
Great- Still have those awesome friends. Boy that makes a difference.
Wednesday, 27 October 2010
Monday, 18 October 2010
Happy
Met a really great women.
I'm as happy as I have ever been.
Probably making more of it than I should but she's just so great to be with.
She's real . I like that .
Fingers crossed.
I'm as happy as I have ever been.
Probably making more of it than I should but she's just so great to be with.
She's real . I like that .
Fingers crossed.
Wednesday, 25 August 2010
FAST
I can see how one might become a track Whore.
I was SLOOOOW but it still rocked.
I WANT a track bike NOW.
I think I'll do Calabogie next year with Turn 2
Sunday, 8 August 2010
You Suck
So it turns out that if you love someone who doen't love you back you spend a lot of time trying figure out whats wrong with yourself.
Even if suspect the answer is nothing really, you just can't shake that little voice that says "You Suck"
Sigh....
Even if suspect the answer is nothing really, you just can't shake that little voice that says "You Suck"
Sigh....
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