Things I DON"T Dig

My own response to my Things I dig post.

1. Diabetes. 
2. Depression
3. Anger
4. ADD
5. Tinnitus 
6. Road Rage
7. Soft Rock
8. Donald Drumpf
9. Politics
10. Drivers who don't signal.
11. Spring when it acts like winter. 

Bullying

We hear a lot about bullying and how bad it is these days. I recall two occasions as kid when I was a bully. Both were relatively minor , were of less than a few hours duration , were both apologized for without prompting from outside and  both make my face red with shame. I hope that those were the only time I was such an asshole.

This comes to mind after i happened to run across the name of someone on facebook who now that a ton of memories have come flooding back I realize bullied me.

 Certainly never apologized for and went on for  few months , long enough that I now realize had a devastating effect on not only my time in high school but my life ever since.

I'm sitting here now having an anxiety attack just thinking about that time. I was systematically separated from my friends ,beat up once and "accidentally hurt" 2 or 3 times in Gym class by this person.

Already having a problem fitting in thanks to the ADHD I now realize I was isolated and at the same used by this "Friend" and some others at this time. In the case of some of the others it was due no doubt to the bullies constant bullshit and my obvious weakness.

Like discovering I have ADHD this is going to take some time to process.

I FUCKING HATE how I'm feeling right now.

Depression.

I have it. Diagnosed by a psychologist. Same on one who Diagnosed my ADHD.

I'm on medication for it. It was working nicly. Then...

I don't even know how to describe what happened .

I wake up early in the morning and I can't stop thinking about her and the betrayal.

And I want her back and I don't and I hate myself for being weak.

I have never had more self doubt than I have today. 

Life

Wow Been a weird combo of great and horrible the last 6 months.
Horrible -Got diagnosed as clinically depressed and ADD
Great -Have awesome friends who can be counted on.
Horrible- My Brothers Lung Cancer came back. And it's worse.
Great -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .
Horrible -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .Then dumped me after spending 3 months living with me by announcing her engagement to her ex boyfriend on the internet. Without mentioning it to me first. And without actually moving out. I had to pack her crap myself. Nice.
Great-Got some treatment for the depression and ADD and it's working ! OK the horrible above is challenging the anti-depressants but I think I'll be on an even keel sooner thanks to them.
Horrible- A wonderful friends daughter has been Diagnosed with melanoma .They found it after removal of a Brain Tumour.  Radiation treatments and a lot of bad days to follow.
Great- Still have those awesome friends. Boy that makes a difference.

Happy

Met a really great women.
I'm as happy as I have ever been.
Probably making more of it than I should but she's just so great to be with.
She's real . I like that .
Fingers crossed.

You Suck

So it turns out that if you love someone who doen't love you back you spend a lot of time trying figure out whats wrong with yourself.

Even if suspect the answer is nothing really, you just can't shake that little voice that says "You Suck"

Sigh....