Things I DON"T Dig

My own response to my Things I dig post.

1. Diabetes. 
2. Depression
3. Anger
4. ADD
5. Tinnitus 
6. Road Rage
7. Soft Rock
8. Donald Drumpf
9. Politics
10. Drivers who don't signal.
11. Spring when it acts like winter. 

Bullying

We hear a lot about bullying and how bad it is these days. I recall two occasions as kid when I was a bully. Both were relatively minor , were of less than a few hours duration , were both apologized for without prompting from outside and  both make my face red with shame. I hope that those were the only time I was such an asshole.

This comes to mind after i happened to run across the name of someone on facebook who now that a ton of memories have come flooding back I realize bullied me.

 Certainly never apologized for and went on for  few months , long enough that I now realize had a devastating effect on not only my time in high school but my life ever since.

I'm sitting here now having an anxiety attack just thinking about that time. I was systematically separated from my friends ,beat up once and "accidentally hurt" 2 or 3 times in Gym class by this person.

Already having a problem fitting in thanks to the ADHD I now realize I was isolated and at the same used by this "Friend" and some others at this time. In the case of some of the others it was due no doubt to the bullies constant bullshit and my obvious weakness.

Like discovering I have ADHD this is going to take some time to process.

I FUCKING HATE how I'm feeling right now.

ar·tic·u·late

A beautiful and (Obviously ) intelligent women told me Saturday that this blog was articulate. And that she could clearly see my passion and emotions.

I am inordinately pleased by that.  :)

Here's a definition.I like #4

ar·tic·u·late   /adj., n. ɑrˈtɪkyəlɪt; v. ɑrˈtɪkyəˌleɪt/ Show Spelled


[adj., n. ahr-tik-yuh-lit; v. ahr-tik-yuh-leyt]

adjective, verb, -lat·ed, -lat·ing, noun

–adjective

1. uttered clearly in distinct syllables.

2. capable of speech; not speechless.

3. using language easily and fluently; having facility with words: an articulate speaker.

4. expressed, formulated, or presented with clarity and effectiveness: an articulate thought.

Alone.

Alone. That's right I'm alone. So what does that mean?
It Means I don't have a Girlfriend ,Significant other ,Wife or Partner.
Until this morning it was bothering me.
Quite a bit.
I joined a couple of online dating sites looking for someone to fill the empty spot in my life.
Boy that's a weird thing. I'll post on that another time.
And then (for about the 100th time) a couple of very good friends said something that finally Clicked.
I can't be with someone until I can be with myself.

It's taken a long time for me to get that. A LONG time.( Sorry People)
I've spent much ti,me and energy equating alone with Lonely. I think i finally realized I don't have to do that.

So . I'm going to delete those online accounts. I'm going hang with friends. I'm going to accept that I'm alone so I can enjoy the time I have and take care of some if those things I have not.

Like Me. 

One thing I'll be doing is really determining what a relationship would look like for me. And what my partner would look like. No Not Boob size. Who she would be . Looks are not that important. (Ok she has to have all her teeth or a bridge for ones knocked out in Hockey I find the missing teeth thing disturbing) .

Maybe that's it. I'll be alone forever. Maybe not. Life will continue to suprise me no doubt. Some good some bad. But it wil be interesting.

And no longer Lonley.

RAIN!

Got caught in the rain last night.

Normally no fan LOL

Last night after my usual trepidation and worry I suddenly got it. It just stopped being a worry.

Maybe because I was following someone slow I was able to relax and just build up to speed.

On the way home I was on the 401 going faster than I can remember in the rain. It was a bit of magic. I felt so alive.

And wet. But Alive.

It was an affirmation of life .

An affirmation of me.

After the emotional roller coaster i put myself through the last month or so It was so good to feel that connection to my passion again.

I plan on connecting again. Maybe in safer conditions . Or Not.

PD13

Friday the thirteenth in Port Dover .

Had NO interest in going this year but a good friend wanted a riding companion so I went.

It was not a classic ride. 407 to Burlington and 403/6 the rest of the way.

But it was great ride. My MP3 player was serving up great tunes all the way there, it was sunny and warm and the highway was empty most of the way. My friend was riding very well with me and I never had to worry about where she was. The OPP were out in force but we had no problems .

Somewhere in Oakville I had a bit of an Epiphany . I was looking at a Field of yellow flowers and it dawned on me that i have a great life. Yes people I love have cancer and I was just dumped and it hurts. But I had 3 three great months with a great woman already this year and I've had lots of great moments over the last two years with a couple of others. Some people never get that . I've felt as though I've touched some souls. And definitely felt loved . Nothing in life can compare and I am so lucky to have had that. After a bleak period I am looking forward to more relationship adventures . It may turn out as bad but I think I can handle it now knowing that the pain is worth the connection. And it is.

As for Dover? Same old thing .  Cruiser after Cruiser after Cruiser with a scattering of scooters and real motorcycles . :) Sportbikes in other words!

I bought a t-shirt ( NO Skulls,No Knives,No Choppers It has a spark plug. Ftting for a guy with the Nickname Tinker) I saw  a few friends and we left at lunch time getting home before the rain.

A very good day .

Depression.

I have it. Diagnosed by a psychologist. Same on one who Diagnosed my ADHD.

I'm on medication for it. It was working nicly. Then...

I don't even know how to describe what happened .

I wake up early in the morning and I can't stop thinking about her and the betrayal.

And I want her back and I don't and I hate myself for being weak.

I have never had more self doubt than I have today. 

Two Weeks

Two weeks since I was kicked in the guts.
Healing nicly but I have moments.
Saw a Picture of her on Facebook.
We have many mutual faceboook friends should I cut them all off?
Or just stay off of facebook for a while.?

May need to one or the other for a bit anyway
Or move to vancouver?

Life

Wow Been a weird combo of great and horrible the last 6 months.
Horrible -Got diagnosed as clinically depressed and ADD
Great -Have awesome friends who can be counted on.
Horrible- My Brothers Lung Cancer came back. And it's worse.
Great -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .
Horrible -A woman named Cristy came into my life and really made me feel loved .Then dumped me after spending 3 months living with me by announcing her engagement to her ex boyfriend on the internet. Without mentioning it to me first. And without actually moving out. I had to pack her crap myself. Nice.
Great-Got some treatment for the depression and ADD and it's working ! OK the horrible above is challenging the anti-depressants but I think I'll be on an even keel sooner thanks to them.
Horrible- A wonderful friends daughter has been Diagnosed with melanoma .They found it after removal of a Brain Tumour.  Radiation treatments and a lot of bad days to follow.
Great- Still have those awesome friends. Boy that makes a difference.

Sanity

The bike keeps me sane.
there's no other Way to put it.
The weather is driving me mad right now .
Intellectually I know it's early April and riding weather is unlikely on any given day.
But the few warm days we have had have spoiled me .
I NEED to ride SOON.
And guess where I will be over the long weekend.
200km's away from my bike that's where.
They better have Rum.