Bullying

We hear a lot about bullying and how bad it is these days. I recall two occasions as kid when I was a bully. Both were relatively minor , were of less than a few hours duration , were both apologized for without prompting from outside and  both make my face red with shame. I hope that those were the only time I was such an asshole.

This comes to mind after i happened to run across the name of someone on facebook who now that a ton of memories have come flooding back I realize bullied me.

 Certainly never apologized for and went on for  few months , long enough that I now realize had a devastating effect on not only my time in high school but my life ever since.

I'm sitting here now having an anxiety attack just thinking about that time. I was systematically separated from my friends ,beat up once and "accidentally hurt" 2 or 3 times in Gym class by this person.

Already having a problem fitting in thanks to the ADHD I now realize I was isolated and at the same used by this "Friend" and some others at this time. In the case of some of the others it was due no doubt to the bullies constant bullshit and my obvious weakness.

Like discovering I have ADHD this is going to take some time to process.

I FUCKING HATE how I'm feeling right now.

Depression.

I have it. Diagnosed by a psychologist. Same on one who Diagnosed my ADHD.

I'm on medication for it. It was working nicly. Then...

I don't even know how to describe what happened .

I wake up early in the morning and I can't stop thinking about her and the betrayal.

And I want her back and I don't and I hate myself for being weak.

I have never had more self doubt than I have today. 

Managment

I don't manage my life. Why I do not know.

Friday I was stopped by a police officer who let me know that my license was under Suspension.


I had turned right at a street that did not allow right turns after 3 Pm on May 5th 2008.


I received a ticket but I forgot somehow to pay it.


So now I have wasted a day off at the Court house at Markham road and Milner trying to pay the fine and will have to pay an additional $150 for a reinstatement fee.

Plus I can't drive the car or more importantly ride the Bandit.

And the weather is PERFECT.


How I have allowed this series of events to unfold?

Management. Or Mismanagement as it were.

A constant theme in my life.

I don't manage my Weight, My Money, My Diabetes, My Fitness or My Whatever.

So what do I do to correct this way of being? No Idea but change I will.

This is not first time I have caused myself grief like this. I plan it to be the last.

I don't believe that the universe is communicating with me.

I don't believe it ever has but I am forced to admit that it's almost like there's a message in all this.

A lot of my life would have been better if I had taken care of things.

Of course I do manage some things.

The Bikes, My diabetes to some extent and even my weight. But nothing quite as well I might.

In the mean time I feel like an Idiot . But have to keep giving myself positive energy or I'll get depressed.

So Universe how to I change into a person in control?